From The Founder to Monster Trucks, January’s Anticipated Theatrical Releases, Ranked

Welcome to “dump” month everyone! January is notorious for two things: Award nominees getting wide releases after getting thrown into a theater or two in New York or Los Angeles and garbage movies that get dropped into January because, well, it’s the best month to release terrible movies since the audiences are much smaller. Sometimes this carries over to February. It also usually encompasses the last two weeks of August and first two weeks of September but let’s get back to January. There are only a few releases that didn’t make the December list (if it was the former of the two things January is notorious for) but the rest were meant for January which means Hollywood didn’t like them all that much. That usually means we won’t either. Let’s take a look at the list:

1. The Founder (January 20)

Michael Keaton as anything is pretty interesting. So, him as Ray Kroc, the man who made McDonald’s into what it is today sounds pretty good. We missed it in the December releases and, to be fair, the initial release was so small and the wide release (January 20) is far enough that it’s technically a January movie. Technically, it’s a 2016 release though.

2. The Comedian (January 13)

Another December awards release that gets a wide release in January. Robert DeNiro as a comic icon sounds entertaining for some reason. It’s guaranteed to be better than last year’s Dirty Grandpa. It’s also a 2016 release technically.

3. Split (January 20)

Look! It’s the first true 2017 release on the list! Split comes from M. Night Shyamalan which instantly has you forming an opinion. I’m still a fan of Mr. Shyamalan and this is one of his least hyped films in some time. We’ll see what that means when it hits theaters at the end of the month.

4. The Crash (January 13)

This is the blueprint of a “dump” movie. The Crash features a few actors and actresses you don’t mind seeing in movies (Minnie Driver, John Leguizamo, AnnaSophia Robb, Maggie Q, Christopher McDonald, Frank Grillo) but wouldn’t go out of your way to see. It was filmed 3 years ago and now it will get a limited release and try to scrape back its expenses through VOD. Good luck!

5. Sleepless (January 13)

There’s always room for a vacuous action thriller or two in January. This one stars Jamie Foxx.

6. Bastards (January 27)

Ed Helms and Owen Wilson star in a film that looks to be the first forgettable comedy of 2017. I’d describe it in more detail but I kind of forgot the plot within seconds after reading it. Terry Bradshaw is in the movie, too, and he was awesome in The Cannonball Run. (Okay, not really awesome but I figure it sounds better that way.)

7. The Resurrection of Gavin Stone (January 20)

A washed up former child star pretends to be Christian to star as Jesus at a megachurch he is forced to do community service at. It sounds ridiculous enough to at least make me want to watch it. Brett Dalton plays the titular character. Yeah, I’m not really sure who Brett Dalton is, either.

8. The Book of Love (January 13)

This would be ranked higher but Jason Sudeikis keeps not meeting expectations and he’s the lead actor. I wonder if Justin Timberlake landed the music gig for this job because Jessica Biel is in the film or vice versa.  

9. A Dog’s Purpose (January 27)

A dog with nine lives or so. Bradley Cooper was originally the dog’s inner voice but was replaced by Josh Gad. Could explain the January release date even further.

10. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (January 27)

Promise?

11. xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (January 20)

I didn’t know he was gone.

12. Underworld: Blood Wars (January 6)

Couldn’t we get a promise this was the final one like Resident Evil gave us? Sure, you could always lie and go back on the promise but it would make us all feel better for a little bit.

13. I, Daniel Blake (January 6)

It’s technically a 2016 release and getting very good reviews on Rotten Tomatoes but it doesn’t strike my fancy. Anyone know where my fancy is located, by the way?

14. Detour (January 20)

Might be a good idea to find a detour to another theater that day. You could always see Rogue One again.

15. The Bye Bye Man (January 13)

“Dump” month gets its horror movie. It’s guaranteed to suck…

16. Monster Trucks (January 13)

But there are worse things. The early favorite for worst movie of 2017. Paramount spent $125 million to get this movie made. The first release date for Monster Trucks was in May ’15 then moved to Christmas ’15. It was then moved to March ’16 then someone forgot it was sitting on the shelf and dumped it into January ’17. We’re so lucky!