From It to Friend Request, September’s Anticipated Theatrical Releases, Ranked

September is a snapshot of the movie industry in 2017. There’s not a lot to get excited about and even those that are worth anticipating have some baggage. Whether it be It which looks awfully scary BUT we’ll be comparing it to the two-part TV movie from 1990 or American Made starring Tom Cruise who is fresh off one of the worst movies of 2017 in The Mummy or Mother! which features Jennifer Lawrence and is directed by Darren Aronofsky but neither showed up well in their last effort (Passengers for Lawrence and Noah for Aronofsky) or a handful of smaller films that might catch lightning in a bottle (Battle of the Sexes, Rebel In the Rye, Woodshock, Lucky, Stronger) but are conspicuous by their absence of a wider release in a soft month. There’s a big sequel — Kingsman: The Golden Circle — which has had such a quiet release that has to make you wonder. There’s a remake — Flatliners — which looks to have too many bells and whistles and is likely to lose some of the original’s appeal. There’s Tulip Fever… again! Seriously, how many times am I going to put Tulip Fever on my anticipated releases list? I’m starting to feel like Charlie Brown and I think Tulip Fever is Lucy.Enough about how sketchy the September release slate is. Here’s all 35 expected releases ranked in order of anticipation:

1. It (September 8)

They all float! Pennywise is back and scarier than ever. I’m not planning on sleeping for a few days following this one.

2. American Made (September 28)

Is this Tom Cruise’s Oscar run? He’s been nominated 3 times (Born on the Fourth of July, Jerry Maguire and Magnolia) but none earned him an Academy Award. Maybe this is the role to do it.

3. Mother! (September 15)

Speaking of Oscar, the Academy loves Jennifer Lawrence and while this is a little early for a release to gain traction for Best Picture, the individual awards have an easier time holding up and that makes Lawrence a potential nominee for this role.

4. Flatliners (September 28)

Apparently, we’re bringing everything back from 1990 as Flatliners joins It as 1990 films being remade and released in September. Maybe we’ll get Tremors or Home Alone in October.

5. Kingsman: The Golden Circle (September 22)

This gives me a reason to watch the first one for the first time.

6. American Assassin (September 15)

I should have mentioned American Assassin in the opening as this film has been through multiple director and screenwriter changes and Chris Hemsworth and Bruce Willis were once in talks for the roles that landed in the laps of Dylan O’Brien and Michael Keaton.

7. Battle of the Sexes (September 22)

Emma Stone’s La La Land follow up has her in the role of Billie Jean King opposed to Steve Carell as Bobby Riggs in the re-telling of the ’70s tennis match between King and Riggs billed as, you guessed it, the Battle of the Sexes.

8. Brad’s Status (September 15)

Ben Stiller plays the dad who is facing a midlife crisis of sorts as his son looks to get admitted to college. This idea gets floated out every few years it seems.

9. Tulip Fever (September 1)

I’m just excited Tulip Fever will never be on one of these lists again.

10. Ninjago (September 22)

These LEGO movies work really well so there’s no reason to think this one won’t, too.

11. Home Again (September 8)

Isn’t it kind of nice to see a vapid, pointless romantic comedy on the release schedule for a change?

12. 9/11 (September 8)

The story of 5 people trapped in an elevator as the towers of the World Trade Center collapse. Not likely to be the feel good movie of the fall.

13. Stronger (September 22)

Jake Gyllenhaal is in the role of Jeff Bauman, a survivor of the Boston Marathon bombing who lost both of his legs in the explosion.

14. Rebel in the Rye (September 8)

Nicholas Hoult plays J.D. Salinger and Kevin Spacey appears to be as smug as ever in his role as, and I’m just guessing here, Smug Asshole #1.

15. The Wilde Wedding (September 15)

I’m not sure about Patrick Stewart with hair.

16. Lucky (September 28)

While the trailer looks good, I really don’t want to see Harry Dean Stanton without pants.

17. Mark Felt: The Man Who Brought Down the White House (September 28)

Maybe this should be higher. Liam Neeson is in it after all!

18. I Do… Until I Don’t (September 1)

Every time I see Ed Helms in a movie, I’m reminded how much I don’t enjoy his performances… this is the latest reminder, most likely.

19. Valley of Bones (September 1)

I just heard something about dinosaur bones and it made me think of Jurassic Park, so I’m in. (Disclaimer: This is nothing like Jurassic Park. It’s not even an action movie.)

20. The Layover (September 1)

I’d probably watch Kate Upton read the phone book. Also, do they still make phone books?

21. The Tiger Hunter (September 22)

This took entirely too long to be released to be great.

22. The Vault (September 1)

See my comment about Ed Helms and replace it with James Franco.

23. Woodshock (September 22)

Having A24 attached should boost this film’s credibility but it looks a little strange. If it is good, that will cap off a pretty impressive under-the-radar 2 year run for Kirsten Dunst.

24. All I See Is You (September 15)

Blake Lively stars as a blind woman. Jason Clarke stars as her husband. She gets her sight back and suddenly all of their marital problems can be seen, too. Ironically, I don’t see a trailer online.

 

25. Super Dark Times (September 28)

Does every unexplainable trailer have to tout itself as the next Donnie Darko?

26. Victoria and Abdul (September 22)

I’m pretty sure this locks up an Academy Award nomination for Judi Dench. It’s not that she deserves it, it’s just written in the by laws that way.

27. Unlocked (September 1)

Pretty sure this one won’t make many theaters.

28. Til Death Do Us Part (September 28)

In 2015, it was The Perfect Guy. In 2016, it was When the Bough Breaks. In any year, it’s probably not good.

29. Viceroy’s House (September 1)

Ho hum period piece about the end of the Viceroy’s House in Delhi.

30. Paradise Club (September 8)

No, this is not a remake of the 1986 Robin Williams comedy. That was Club Paradise!

31. Don’t Sleep (September 28)

Nothing too fascinating about this psychological thriller starring Drea de Matteo and Cary Elwes other than their names are very difficult to type in auto-spell check.

32. Jackals (September 1)

At the bottom of every “Anticipated Releases” list are a few horror films I won’t see. This is one of them.

33. Temple (September 1)

And here’s another.

34. A Question of Faith (September 28)

There’s a market for these faith-based flicks… It’s not me.

35. Friend Request (September 22)

The bottom of these lists is frequently some schlocky horror movie that I’m hoping I won’t be desperate enough to have to go sit through.