It’s a crowded release week featuring 9 new movies vying for your entertainment dollar. The obvious choice features a gruesome bear attack and an Oscar winning performance by Leaonardo DiCaprio. The other 8 films are slightly less memorable: A killer for hire, an animated bear doing the Arctic Shake, a legal drama, a martial arts sequel, a lady in a van, a comedy about sex, a comedy spoofing a movie about sex and a documentary about a the National Lampoon which has probably spoofed everything mentioned at one time or another. MHT breaks down what to buy, rent, stream or skip for the week of April 19th:
The Revenant (Check out our Movie Hot Take from earlier this year)
Super Simple Synopsis: Leo gets mauled by a bear and survives a 200-mile trek in the wilderness on his journey for revenge and an Oscar.
Why Buy?
You are ecstatic Leo finally got that Oscar and want to relive the film he won it for whenever you want. You couldn’t care less that Leo won an Oscar but you have to see that bear scene again and again and again and again! (You’re pretty twisted!)
Why Rent?
You liked The Revenant but can’t imagine it’ll live up to it’s impressiveness on the big screen. You skipped it in theaters but still want to experience Leo’s quest for revenge (and that bear scene!).
Why Stream?
You weren’t moved to buy it or rent it but you have to see what all the hype is about.
Why Skip?
You secretly wish when Rose let go, Jack would have never resurfaced in Hollywood.
MHT Verdict: Buy it!
One of the best films of 2015, DiCaprio earned the Oscar by putting himself through hell and that bear scene… wow!
Assassin (Did Not Review)
Super Simple Synopsis: An assassin (surprise!) breaks the code of his profession and falls for a woman who his employers now want dead. What’s an assassin to do? Kill everyone!
Why Buy?
You don’t really want to buy it but if the assassin finds out, you fear he might take you out.
Why Rent?
You can name one member of this cast and something they are in.
Why Stream?
You’re a sucker for movies when they tell you they are from “the makers of” other films. You know this one is from “the makers of Goodfellas, The Rise of the Footsoldier and Casino” and you love The Rise of the Footsoldier.
Why Skip?
You’re pretty sure you’ve seen this film about 50 times in the 90s.
MHT Verdict: Skip it!
The only thing this movie will kill is the 90 minutes you’ll never get back if you choose to watch it.
The Lady in the Van (Check out our Movie Hot Take from earlier this year)
Super Simple Synopsis: A lady in a van.
Why Buy?
You like ladies and vans are cool, too. You’re a big Maggie Smith fan.
Why Rent?
You remember liking The Madness of King George about a decade ago and this guy wrote The Lady in the Van, too, so how bad could it be?
Why Stream?
You don’t find the film very appealing but when something gets a 93% Tomatometer on Rotten Tomatoes, you don’t want to dismiss it.
Why Skip?
You’re not that fond of ladies and vans suck.
MHT Verdict: Stream it!
There’s a chance you’ll enjoy it as more than some did even though the MHT review wasn’t glowing.
Norm of the North (Check out our Movie Hot Take from earlier this year)
Super Simple Synopsis: Rob Schneider… What? You’re out, already? I don’t blame you!
Why Buy?
You didn’t read the first two words of the Super Simple Synopsis. Not my fault.
Why Rent?
You lost a bet.
Why Stream?
You’re stealing someone’s streaming account and you hate them.
Why Skip?
You realize you can’t unsee this once you see it.
MHT Verdict: Skip it!
If someone asks you to watch it, have your head give an emphatic Arctic Shake.
Ip Man 3 (Did Not Review)
Super Simple Synopsis: The dude who trained Bruce Lee battles Mike Tyson in the third installment of this popular martial arts series.
Why Buy?
You own Ip Man and Ip Man 2.
Why Rent?
You’ve seen the first two and are still interested in the series. You haven’t seen the first two but are really interested in seeing Mike Tyson as the bad guy.
Why Stream?
You’re in the mood for a martial arts flick.
Why Skip?
You’re holding out for Ipoo Man.
MHT Verdict: Rent it!
The Ip Man series has been popular and adding Mike Tyson to the mix can’t possibly hurt things and, heck, even if it does, who’s going to tell him?
Misconduct (Did Not Review)
Super Simple Synopsis: Al Pacino, Anthony Hopkins and Fergie’s husband in a legal drama.
Why Buy?
You can’t see how this cast could possibly miss. You haven’t seen 88 Minutes, Gigli, The Rites, The Wolfman or Life As We Know it.
Why Rent?
You’re a sucker for legal dramas and can’t get enough.
Why Stream?
You found that rare two hour window in the week when some version of Law & Order isn’t on television and have to fill it.
Why Skip?
You noticed how big the cast is yet the film never made it to theaters which sends up a big red flag.
MHT Verdict: Stream it!
Okay, so we’re not able to dismiss this completely thanks to the presence of Pacino and Hopkins.
Sex Ed (Did Not Review)
Super Simple Synopsis: The kid from The Sixth Sense grew up and apparently he ain’t gettin’ any.
Why Buy?
You’re dream of The 40 Year-Old Virgin spawning vaguely similar films feels complete with this release.
Why Rent?
You heard the girl from The Green Inferno was in this movie and you have to know if she gets eaten.
Why Stream?
You’re morbidly curious to see a film starring an adult Haley Joel Osment.
Why Skip?
You’re more interested in Wood Shop.
MHT Verdict: Stream it!
As bad as this sounds on paper, we can’t help but be a little curious to see Osment and Lorenza Izzo (Eli Roth’s wife) in this raunchy looking comedy.
Fifty Shades of Black (Did Not Review)
Super Simple Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey gets a parody.
Why Buy?
You need to cross “Buy a Terrible Movie” off your scavenger hunt list.
Why Rent?
You’ve seen all of the other Wayans spoofs (even Dance Flick) so why not.
Why Stream?
You’re stealing that streaming account and you still hate the owner of said account.
Why Skip?
You found something more entertaining to do… like watching paint dry.
MHT Verdict: Skip it!
It’s very hard to fathom what made anyone think Fifty Shades of Grey needed a parody but it happened and there’s nothing that can be done about it. You don’t have to watch it though and we’d recommend skipping it.
Drunk Stoned Brilliant Dead: The Story of the National Lampoon (Did Not Review)
Super Simple Synopsis: A documentary about the groundbreaking humor magazine and it’s impact on American comedy.
Why Buy?
You’re a die hard National Lampoon fan and have been hoping for a documentary on the subject.
Why Rent?
You want to learn the story behind the magazine and what made it so successful.
Why Stream?
You remember the magazine, you remember the movies and think the documentary would be interesting.
Why Skip?
You’re waiting for the Mad Magazine documentary.
MHT Verdict: Rent it!
The National Lampoon was not only a humor magazine, it also helped launch the careers of John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Chevy Chase and Christopher Guest. It was successful during three decades (from the ’70s to the ’90s) and went places others wish they had.
Arctic shake sounds delicious….
When a movie is so hyped and so bad you can’t make a parody of it you make a parody of it and use the race angle.
Btw, Arctic Shake is my move. Frank Costanza would have loved it.
Why does, “Skip it!,” make me want to see it, like, right now? Might be something wrong with me.