Hot Take: Mother’s Day

Hot Take: Do you hate your mother? Take her to see Mother’s Day. The worst movie of 2016 so far. Maybe the worst movie ever.

As I watched Mother’s Day, the stark realization came over me that time travel does not exist, at least not anything affordable to the masses. If it did, the future version of myself would have stopped me from suffering through this ill-conceived dumpster fire of a film that isn’t even relieving when the credits roll. The film opens and closes with a brutal Meghan Trainor song (called “Mom”) that is actually worse than Trainor’s “Dear Future Husband” which, if you’ve heard “Dear Future Husband” is stupefying.

How bad is Mother’s Day? After seeing it, reading this incredible Jezebel list of “50 Things With Your Mom That Are More Enjoyable Than Taking Her to See Mother’s Day” actually seems too kind… and too short. This movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities. It’s offensive to the audience’s intelligence. It’s offensive to mothers. It’s offensive to women. It’s offensive to Indians. It’s offensive to homosexuals. It’s offensive to overweight people. It’s offensive to little people. It’s offensive to African Americans (or lack thereof considering the film takes place in Atlanta!). It’s even offensive to youth sports referees, somehow.

To further illustrate how bad it was, when I had to go to the bathroom, I feared I wouldn’t be able to drag myself back to my seat to watch the final 30 minutes so I left my car keys on the seat to insure I had to go back. Then, for a split second, I contemplated taking Uber home and leaving the keys and the car (it’s a rental, after all).

If anything, this has to be a testament to how affable director Garry Marshall must be. Think of the cast that agreed to make this crime against humanity: Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson, Jason Sudeikis, Timothy Olyphant, Hector Elizondo, Sarah Chalke, Jennifer Garner, even John Lovitz is better than this. Seriously, John fucking Lovitz is better than this pile of garbage! But Marshall brings out the stars no matter how terrible the premise is, obviously.

If there’s a silver lining, maybe this spells the end of the terrible ensemble holiday films Marshall keeps churning out. Then again, Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve were pretty terrible, too. Hell, who am I kidding? By 2020, there will be Flag Day.

“Spoiler Free” Pros

• You’re Kidding Me, Right?
  There is not 60 seconds of worthwhile viewing in this 118-minute clusterfuck.

“Spoiler Free” Cons

• Everything!
  From the opening scene where Jennifer Aniston walks in front of his son, his friends and her ex-husband in a towel and no one is alarmed to the return of the ear bleeding nausea-inducing Meghan Trainor tune as the credits roll.