Hot Take: If Gone Girl had a less fun, more manipulative sister she’d be The Girl on the Train. Next stop: Boredom.

Poor Emily Blunt. Blunt portrays the titular character in The Girl on the Train and does a heckuva job as a blackout drunk divorcee suffering from depression and delusions. Her performance as Rachel might be the only reason to watch the movie. The rest is a schlocky thriller with a predictable arc and what might be the world’s worst detective in cinematic history.

For a while, I couldn’t figure out the setting for The Girl on the Train. Apparently, it was New York state and New York City. I know that doesn’t make sense to open the second paragraph with such a statement but if The Girl on the Train was going to have a poorly told story, I probably should have the review mirror the film. Then that would take me writing the review completely out of order in an attempt to bait and switch the audience. Unlike Gone Girl which nailed the smoke screen tactics, The Girl on the Train choo-chooses the lazy route and what arrives at the station is an unsatisfying film filled with an overcrowded cast of one dimensional characters.

Except for Blunt. Her performance is more than competent and almost makes up for the movie’s missteps. It’s a fool’s errand as the film actually isn’t even trashy enough to hate. But Blunt should be commended for her effort and there will be some that overlook the film’s numerous flaws. It’s unfortunate. To be blunt, the story really goes off the rails early and never recovers.

“Spoiler Free” Pros

  • Blunt
    Already mentioned but worth noting again, Blunt’s performance stands out even more as the rest of the film is a schlock-filled mess.
  • Haley Bennett
    Bennett isn’t bad as the “gone girl” of this movie. She was much stronger in The Magnificent Seven but this is a decent follow-up performance.

“Spoiler Free” Cons

  • The World’s Worst Detective
    If you don’t get there before Detective Riley (Allison Janney) does, you might want to check your pulse. This might be the most poorly written character of 2016.
  • Why Does Luke Evans Have to Look Like Brian Austin Green?
    It’s so distracting.
  • I’ll Have the Red Herring
    This movie is full of them and they do more harm than good.