Hot Take: Looking for a movie that is 85% action, 10% cheesy flirting and double entendres and 5% plot? xXx: Return of Xander Cage should be on your short list.

What would January be without a few useless sequels? xXx: Return of Xander Cage might be the least useless sequel of January 2017 though as there’s probably a few xXx fans out there who wanted Vin Diesel to come back and reprise his role from the original xXx. They were surely hoping it would have happened sooner than 15 years but at least it was made before Diesel’s 50th birthday which is later in 2017.

If you let yourself think of Diesel as a 49-year-old man in the context of the plot of xXx: Return of Xander Cage, everything that occurs in the film becomes ridiculous. So don’t. Actually, don’t bother thinking at all. It’ll ruin the non-stop action the film delivers. It’ll ruin Donnie Yen’s action scenes. Yen, fresh off of his turn as Chirrut Imwe, the blind Jedi in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, has a number of impressive action sequences which should be expected from the venerable Hong Kong action star. It’ll make you feel bad when you chuckle at all of Diesel’s corny lines. You’ll feel bad for Toni Collette who is the most talented newcomer to be added to the xXx series. You’ll question a lot of the incredulous events that unfold. So turn off your brain and try to enjoy the action. There’s plenty.

If you can turn off your brain, xXx: Return of Xander Cage has enough interesting action scenes to satisfy any action junkie. Not an action junkie? What the heck are you watching this movie for? Did you see the trailer? Did you see the previous two xXx films? You’ve got no one to blame but yourself then. The previously mentioned Yen is at the center of a number of particularly impressive action scenes and steals some of Diesel’s shine who is mugs for the camera more than he normally does. Some scenes suggest Diesel could make a sequel to The Ladies Man or a Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo reboot. There’s one scene where Diesel’s Cage flirts shamelessly with an information source (Hermione Corfield) who turns down his advances. As a consolation, she let’s her team of female subordinates have their way with Cage instead. Yup, that’s what you deal with on those rare moments when action isn’t exploding on the screen.

Enough about the film’s deficiencies. There’s more action than you can shake a stick at and a lot of it is pretty entertaining. Diesel and Yen are joined by a cast of veteran action stars, Collette, Samuel L. Jackson (who reprises his role as the brains behind the xXx program) and Nina Dobrev who is still trying to find her way after departing from The Vampire Diaries a couple of years ago.

xXx: Return of Xander Cage never stops moving. There might be 10 minutes in the entire film not set to music. It’s loud and possesses the right amount of charisma from its cast of characters that you don’t hold the lack of intelligence the plot possesses against it. To be honest, the movie is a physical test because watching all of the action gets exhausting after a while. Most scenes are preposterous and it might be one of the first films to actually deliver on the usually hyperbolic claim that the action is “non-stop” because, well, it truly is.

If you’re suffering from Awards season fatigue, xXx: Return of Xander Cage is the type of mindless action flick that will likely win you over. Afterthought will make you realize it isn’t very good but, in the moment, the movie has enough fun with its material that the overall viewing experience is somehow enjoyable. The movie makes no effort to be sensible or to have a cohesive plot instead focusing on delivering so much action in hopes you won’t even bother paying attention to the silly plot or numerous coincidences that brings the movie to a ludicrous (don’t worry, though, Ludicrous isn’t in it!) conclusion. It’s more fun than grating but there’s plenty to get on your nerves if you stew about it.

“Spoiler Free” Pros

  • Action, Action, We Want Action!
    The speed at which this flick moves is exhausting. It’s rare to see a film embrace its purpose the way xXx: Return of Xander Cage does without making at least a modest attempt at delivering a story to the audience. There’s a story here but they know the average viewer is here for the action and that’s where the focus is. The rest of the movie acts like video game cut scenes and that’s ok because the movie is what it is.
  • There’s No Pretending
    There’s very little emotion or seriousness even as satellites plunge to the Earth. This movie never pretends to be something it’s not and it’s refreshing.
  • Yen Rising
    Donnie Yen outperforms the star here and steals every scene he’s in.

“Spoiler Free” Cons

  • Too Fast, Too Furious
    When you have a close to 2 hour run time and most of your movie is action, you can wear out your audience. In that case, xXx: Return of Xander Cage accomplished its mission.
  • Speaking of The Fast and the Furious…
    There’s a lot of similarities between the two when it comes to the way the ensemble forms and operates, don’t you think?