Hot Take: A wreck.

While watching Collide, I couldn’t stop asking myself random questions. Is it over yet? Weren’t they supposed to get completely naked? Why is Nicholas Hoult putting his clothes on if he lost the bet? What won’t Ben Kingsley do for money? Why is Anthony Hopkins yelling at me? Is Hoult not allowed to be in a good movie? How come bad guys with endless streams of capital never hire minions with better marksmanship? Can I still review the movie if I walk out? Will they give me my money back? If I’m the only one here on opening night, how poorly will this perform at the box office? Is Felicity Jones required to have a different hair color/style for every film? Could Grand Theft Auto claim plagiarism? How come an usher hasn’t checked on this theater? How long would it take someone to find me if I passed out from boredom?  

I even tried to answer: Not even close. Yes. Isn’t it obvious, he’s a welcher. I don’t think they’ve come up with it yet. Unconscious anger for accepting this role. Well, there was Warm Bodies which was at least ok. Maybe they do and those movies never get made because the protagonist is instantly killed. You could but you’d feel really bad about it. Probably, you have over 240,000 Rewards points. If it does $3 million opening week, it’ll be a miracle. Yes. It’s highly probable. They know how bad this is and how few people are here. At least I’d get to sleep through the night.

For a short synopsis of the film, Casey (Hoult) meets Juliette (Jones) and instantly gives up his life of crime in exchange for a date. The two become inseparable until Juliette decides to roll around in the snow naked one night when the pair is getting crocked on Schnapps. Juliette begins having seizures which is where the film takes a serious turn for about 2 minutes and Casey finds out she needs a new kidney and dialysis. The only problem is they are in a foreign country and they have no health care. Casey hatches a plan: Return to his life of crime and make a big score. He returns to his old boss, Geran (Kingsley), who plans on double crossing his boss, Hagen (Hopkins), and that’s a long way to go to set up an hour of car chases and flying bullets.

Collide is obviously thin on plot but most films centered around big, elongated chase scenes are. The problem with Collide is, it isn’t a lot of fun. There are even a few impressive stunts and innovative scenes within the chases but for some reason the film has been stripped of excitement. Even Kingsley’s eccentric turn as an always wasted, techno music listening underboss feels completely out of place in this too serious for its own good turkey.

Avoid Collide at all costs.

“Spoiler Free” Pros

  • The Absurdity of Kingsley
    Kingsley might be willing to do anything for a paycheck but he refuses to mail it in and gives an inspiringly insane performance in Collide proving no matter how bad the movie is, you can still give it 100%. For Kingsley alone, this movie gets a 1/2 star.

“Spoiler Free” Cons

  • Bullets Over… Everything?
    How is it possible that someone in a car that is occasionally not even moving can never get hit with a bullet despite facing as many as 4 bad guys with automatic weapons firing at him? At least get hit in the arm or something.
  • The Devil and Miss Jones
    Did Felicity Jones land the part in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story through a deal with the devil? And if so, was this part of her payback? It’s one of the few explanations that make sense why she’d choose to be in such a lame production.
  • What’s the Hoult Up?
    Nicholas Hoult has charisma. Unfortunately, he continues to take roles in subpar films. Eventually, he’ll land something that doesn’t suck. Collide isn’t it, though.