Hot Take: The Mummy was a poor attempt to launch a franchise that forgot it should try and be a good movie. Heck, based on the resulting film, they might not have even cared if they made a good movie. The next one in Universal’s Dark Universe should be free to all The Mummy ticketholders… If they are willing to risk wasting another 2 hours of their life.

The beginning of The Mummy is terrible… then it got worse… and worse… and worse. It’s so bad that I’m throwing out the “Spoiler Free” nature of these reviews and might end up giving away some information that might reveal tidbits of the film. Don’t worry, though. You can’t spoil something this rotten.

The height of the film’s awfulness comes when it is revealed that Russell Crowe’s character Henry is actually Dr. Henry Jekyll. Wham! You have your expanded universe! Crowe’s depiction of the Jekyll/Hyde character might be the worst in film history. You know eventually we’ll get to see Crowe become Mr. Hyde which, in this case, means he has messed up hair, different color skin and eyes, a voice similar to the drunk Russell Crowe character from an episode of South Park and an inexplicably different hand print. Why does he have a different hand print? The only explanation is because the filmmakers think if we’re stupid enough to still be sitting in the theaters watching this disaster of a movie that we must need Jekyll/Hyde to put his hand on an electronic palm reader to show us the character’s name. That’s the best explanation I can come up with.

I guess Tom Cruise isn’t awful in the movie. This isn’t in his Top 30 career performances. It might not even be in his Top 38 performances… and he’s been in 39 films. You do the math. Cruise has interesting chemistry with his co-star Annabelle Wallis who plays Jennifer Halsey, an archeologist who is working with Dr. Jekyll as part of the monster-hunting organization Prodigium. Wallis is responsible for one of the film’s more ridiculous moments as Cruise is set to square off with Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella), the film’s titular character, and Wallis’ character yells, “Get her! Kick her ass, Nick!” Then Nick doesn’t kick her ass. The interesting chemistry plays out with both characters taking turns appearing to be aloof of the two having any sort of connection. It’s as if the film switched gears midstream and thought they had something with Cruise and Wallis but gave zero fucks about going back and fixing the moments when the two weren’t going to be an item. Although I can’t be sure they were really supposed to be an item because while there was exposition that the two had sexual relations before the events of the movie, the two never share a kiss once during the film. It’s just odd.

The Mummy was at its worst at the end. Not only does it deliver an unsatisfying ending, the promise of more tales based on Cruise’s character and the others in this mess of a monster movie is a promise we’re going to hope Hollywood doesn’t keep. The only burning question as the credits rolled was, “Was The Mummy the worst movie of 2017 so far?” The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”

“Spoiler Free” Pros

  • This is Going to Make a Great Honest Trailers Someday
    … Starring “Eyes”.

“Spoiler Free” Cons

  • Everything Else
    What a shit show!