Hot Take: Where’s that poo emoji when you need it? The worst movie of the year? Yes! The worst movie of the last 5 years? Probably! The worst movie of the 2000s? Maybe!

Imagine how bad a concept and movie about emojis that live in a smartphone would be. You’re only about a third of the way there to how bad it actually is in the form of Sony Pictures Animation’s The Emoji Movie is. It’s important to mention the studio here and every other person, place or thing — T.J. Miller, James Corden, Anna Farris, Patrick Stewart, Maya Rudolph, Sophia Vergara, Jennifer Coolidge, Ilana Glazer, Steven Wright, director (and co-writer) Tony Leondis, Dropbox, Candy Crush, Just Dance 2017 (and I’m sure I’m leaving some of the criminals who unleashed this hell on humanity) — because these are the people and advertisers who read the script and thought that somehow this was a good idea. Here’s the short response to that: It wasn’t!

You expected me to use a poo emoji or some other emoji to represent something horrible? After watching The Emoji Movie, I’m questioning whether I ever want to use an emoji again. The Emoji Movie might be the longest 86 minutes of your life spent outside of a hospital. At least at a hospital, there’s always hope that you or the person you’re there for is going to get better. There’s never even a glimmer of hope that The Emoji Movie will even make you crack a smile.

There are some things to learn from The Emoji Movie though. On Rotten Tomatoes, it currently sits at a 6% Tomatometer with 3 positive reviews. Not to call out other critics but I would think twice before trusting the opinion of David Kaplan of Kaplan vs. Kaplan, Juanma Fernandez of El Nueva Dia and Betsy Bozdech of Common Sense Media. The 44% audience score should also be a low water mark for any animation or “comedy.” (Comedy has to be in quotes because I’ve yet to laugh at anything that The Emoji Movie produced.) Since the movie somehow drew some serious talent in Stewart, everyone has a price, I guess.

I’ve never walked out of a movie before but damn if I wasn’t close a few times while watching The Emoji Movie. I’d bet the end credits scene might be the least seen end credits scene in the history of movies based on the speed at which the theater emptied and the relief most audience members must have felt to see the credits begin to roll. I know I felt like I was being released after being held captive. I can’t find one redeeming or positive thing to say about The Emoji Movie. It’s not even bombing enough at the box office for me to write off a sequel. Hell, they didn’t recognize how bad this first one was, what would make me think that Sony Pictures Animation would be able to figure it out the second time around?

“Spoiler Free” Pros

  • Nope

“Spoiler Free” Cons

  • Even the Hotel Transylvania Short Before the Movie Was Awful
    They couldn’t get anything right with this one.